Right Where I Am 1 Year 2 Months 2 Weeks and 1 Day

Project created by Angie at Still Life With Circles
Right Where I am 1 Year 2 Months 2 Weeks and 1 Day

After 1 year 2 months 2 weeks and 1day of Laken existing in my life, I have had a lot of time to collect my thoughts and settle into this world that I now belong to. Not a day goes by, that I don't still think about her, miss her, and wonder what life would be like if she were here. I think about what she would look like and what a little personality she would have. Would she look like me? Would she act like her daddy? I ask myself those questions all of the time.
Since April 8 of 2010 I have come a long way. I use to be a crazy woman, or at least that's how I felt. I didn't know if I were coming or going with my thoughts. It was so hard to make the most simple choices. I had so much hurt and anger. My emotions were a complete mess! I didn't like people. I disconnected myself from the whole world. One minute I was laughing, one minute I was crying and the next minute I was just pissed off! How could this happen! I did everything right! Questions to this day that run through my head and probably will until the day I get to hold her again.
No one around me understood and still really don't. They just thought and think I needed to "get over it and to move on". I lost a lot of friends because they didn't know what to say to me. What a silly reason to stop talking to your friend or family member huh? I was told to get ready to be avoided like the plague and boy were they right! For the ones who did speak to me, they could never say anything right. Someone actually told me that having a blanket with Laken's name and birthday on it was probably a bad idea. Like I shouldn't keep things to remind me. Hello! It's not like I was going to forget! I'm never going to forget my baby, a part of me died with her.
The person I once was exist no longer. I have learned to relive with this new heart. I can look at pregnant women now and be happy for them. I can hold a baby that is Laken's age and smile. I have more good days than bad, but when the bad days make their appearance its like a emotional train wreck. I never know when they may show up. I can control my triggers better, but sometimes, some days the wrong button gets pushed and all that is bottled up spews to the top.
I have learned and taught myself that morons are in the world and always will be. Not everybody will think like me and I could careless. I don't care what people think of me and I don't care if people want to hear about my daughter, if I feel like talking about her than so be it! I don't care what people think of me that I put my daughters cemetery picture as my profile picture on Facebook. I work hard to make her area pretty. Just like I told another BLM yesterday, it will always be like this for us. Instead of our babies this is what we have. For all of those diapers and clothes that I should be buying, the money will be spent making her personal spot beautiful. It will be like this from years to come when she should be in high school and getting ready for prom. All of the money her and daddy and I should be spending on dresses will be spent on beautiful flowers and angels for her area.
I educate people about my experience. I tell them upfront that it's okay to talk about my little girl. It's okay to say her name and it's okay to ask questions. I want them to, I want you to, I want to talk about her! She's still my baby, my daughter, she's just not here in person.

A picture of my Laken's Molly Bear. This bear weighs 12oz. The same weight Laken was when she was born. I can not express how much comfort this bear as brought me. Every time I miss my baby girl I pick her bear up and cuddle with it.


  1. Thank you so much for sharing this. As I come up on 8 months without Aiden I sometimes wonder if I am every going to make it past the point where I don't break down on a regular basis. It' so good to hear your story and know that the good days will one day outweigh the bad days. And I love that you talk about Laken whenever you want. You're right- people do avoid you like the plague. It's sad really. But I'm thankful for all the BLMs I've met along this journey- like you- who understand me and give me hope.

    Praying for you and remembering little Laken always.......

    And I love love love her Molly Bear!! SO cute!!


  2. I love Laken's Molly bear it is so cute! I love how they personalized her little dress. Too cute!!

    You know I relate to your post 100%, sometimes people look at me funny when I start talking about Jeremiah and when I mention there is no dead baby isle at walmart but I don't care. That is my reality and if you don't like it too bad. I tell people all the time, I live in awkwardness 24 hours a day, you can stand the awkwardness for 5 mintues, I don't feel bad for you. Sorry for the rant! You know me by now. =)

    Totally thiking of you and your family. I must email and update you soon!

    Lots of hugs and love your way!

  3. Thank you for sharing this. I found myself relating to you on the disconnection from friends and family. I still find myself doing that sometimes. Grief is such a continuous process isn't it?

    Laken's Molly bear is beautiful! I'm so glad you have that! :)

  4. Laken's Molly Bear is so precious! I can't wait to get mine. :)

    I wish that more people in our lives would support us better. They don't realize you don't move on from this. You are forever changed.

  5. Natasha, it will always be there, but it gets bearable. You will have more good days than bad as time passes. The lady in the movie Rabit Hole said it best when she said "It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is.

    Raquel, you're exactly right when you said we live in awkwardness 24/7. What's wrong with them listening 5 minutes. I have one good friend who isn't a BLM who has listened to me from day one and I appreciate her so much. I wish all of my other non BLM friends and even family members could take some lessons from her.

    Lauren, It sure is! The phase of disconnecting yourself is you just find it hard to be happy for other people right now. In my case I just didn't feel like I deserved to be happy. Like it was all my fault. I was so angery. I hated hearing everybodies happy news so I felt safer just keeping to myself.

    Holly, I agree! I wish people could understand. My grandmother of all people is the one who thinks keeping items that remind me of Laken is
    a bad idea. She of all people! She lost two children, I thought she would be one to understand.

  6. I love Laken's Molly Bear! You just keep on collecting mementos for your little darling - Meredith has been gone for 36 years and I still get things for her if I want to. Laken will always be a part of you, so if snuggling her bear or a blanket with her name on it makes you feel better, so be it! (((HUGS)))

  7. I'm visiting (belatedly) from Angie's project. I am sorry that your precious little Laken died.

    I, also, love to talk about my little girl and I always have. I mention her as often as I do my other children - why wouldn't I? Why shouldn't I? It does feel as though we have to edcuate people how to be around us.

    Thank you for sharing where you are.

  8. i love that you have so much conviction about Laken. i feel the same way about my babies. i will share them with the world just as much as a living momma will. they are still our babies. i'm sorry you have so many people who don't get it, who try to push you to push her out of your head. surround yourself with the people who support you and aren't afraid to listen to you speak of your baby girl. ((hugs))