Project created by Angie at Still Life With Circles
Right Where I am 1 Year 2 Months 2 Weeks and 1 Day
After 1 year 2 months 2 weeks and 1day of Laken existing in my life, I have had a lot of time to collect my thoughts and settle into this world that I now belong to. Not a day goes by, that I don't still think about her, miss her, and wonder what life would be like if she were here. I think about what she would look like and what a little personality she would have. Would she look like me? Would she act like her daddy? I ask myself those questions all of the time.
Since April 8 of 2010 I have come a long way. I use to be a crazy woman, or at least that's how I felt. I didn't know if I were coming or going with my thoughts. It was so hard to make the most simple choices. I had so much hurt and anger. My emotions were a complete mess! I didn't like people. I disconnected myself from the whole world. One minute I was laughing, one minute I was crying and the next minute I was just pissed off! How could this happen! I did everything right! Questions to this day that run through my head and probably will until the day I get to hold her again.
No one around me understood and still really don't. They just thought and think I needed to "get over it and to move on". I lost a lot of friends because they didn't know what to say to me. What a silly reason to stop talking to your friend or family member huh? I was told to get ready to be avoided like the plague and boy were they right! For the ones who did speak to me, they could never say anything right. Someone actually told me that having a blanket with Laken's name and birthday on it was probably a bad idea. Like I shouldn't keep things to remind me. Hello! It's not like I was going to forget! I'm never going to forget my baby, a part of me died with her.
The person I once was exist no longer. I have learned to relive with this new heart. I can look at pregnant women now and be happy for them. I can hold a baby that is Laken's age and smile. I have more good days than bad, but when the bad days make their appearance its like a emotional train wreck. I never know when they may show up. I can control my triggers better, but sometimes, some days the wrong button gets pushed and all that is bottled up spews to the top.
I have learned and taught myself that morons are in the world and always will be. Not everybody will think like me and I could careless. I don't care what people think of me and I don't care if people want to hear about my daughter, if I feel like talking about her than so be it! I don't care what people think of me that I put my daughters cemetery picture as my profile picture on Facebook. I work hard to make her area pretty. Just like I told another BLM yesterday, it will always be like this for us. Instead of our babies this is what we have. For all of those diapers and clothes that I should be buying, the money will be spent making her personal spot beautiful. It will be like this from years to come when she should be in high school and getting ready for prom. All of the money her and daddy and I should be spending on dresses will be spent on beautiful flowers and angels for her area.
I educate people about my experience. I tell them upfront that it's okay to talk about my little girl. It's okay to say her name and it's okay to ask questions. I want them to, I want you to, I want to talk about her! She's still my baby, my daughter, she's just not here in person.
A picture of my Laken's Molly Bear. This bear weighs 12oz. The same weight Laken was when she was born. I can not express how much comfort this bear as brought me. Every time I miss my baby girl I pick her bear up and cuddle with it.