After months and months of looking for answers, finally some weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can actually use the term 'moving forward' and mean it. It doesn't mean that I won't miss my baby girl everyday of my life, it just means that I know nothing that happened was my fault nor anyone elses.
Since a month after Laken's passing, I have talkd to lawyer after lawyer looking for answers and never getting any. Answers to why the emergency room that I went to that night sent me home with contactions. While, I know it was wrong to do, I also now know it wouldn't have mattered had they cought the sign of early labor right a way.
After reading a past blog by Rhiannon (Harper's mommy) about Chorioamnionitis, it struck an interest. I looked over my medical records and found some connections with this. I emailed Rhiannon with some questions.
After a third lawyer declined to take the case without actually explaining why and leaving me hanging, I was losing it! I had no answers and I had to make a choice to either move forward or keep searching.
I was asking God for a sign on which direction to go. I wanted to let go and put it behind me, but I was feeling guilty for wanting to do it. I have been physically and mentally exhausted from all of this up until yesterday. Not to mention bitter.
Finally, on the same day, I get the sign and answers that I have been looking for for 4 months. I just so happened to open my Hotmail account at the time I was having the conversation with my husband and have an email from Rhiannon explaining her reseach on Chorioamnionitis.
Chorioamnionitis is an inflammation on the fetal membranes amnion and chorion. In my case, my chorion plate had acute inflammation. Chorioamnionitis affects 2% of pregnancies. It leads to infection in the mother and baby and, in most cases means the baby has to be delievered as soon as possible.
Laken was in distress during the end of labor and their was meconium in the fluid. She was only 22 weeks and 4 days gestation and non vible. I knew it was a very slim chance that she would be alive when she was born, but I held on to hope. The last time her heartbeat was checked at 6:20 that morning, it was a strong 155. At 12:09 that afternoon she was born, but had already passed away. She was my little fighter and will be forever thought of and loved.
I wish with all of my heart things could have been different. I wish my baby could be here and I could have had a better out come. I use to be one of those people who thought these type of things happen to someone else well, I was someone elses someone else. I know that I can't go back and change anything and I still feel sad that someone will always be missing from my family. However, even though I know bad days will still come and go, I feel it's a step in my healing process by getting this closure.