Dear Laken

Dear Laken,

Well, here we are baby girl, August. Our suppose to be happy month turned into the dreaded month. I can't help but still look at my stupid calendar book every other day. You should have been 39 weeks and 2 days gestation today or maybe you would have already made your way into the world. Waking us up in the middle of the night or perhaps today could have been your birthday. Instead, you're almost a four month old angel that's too far for us to hold.
I have been missing you so much lately. The closer it gets to the days that you should have been here, the harder it gets. Even though somedays are better than others and I've been keeping busy, my mind still turns to you. The last couple of days I've been telling your daddy "she would have almost been here" or "she could have been here today". I still have my little crying spells just thinking about it.
Yesterday I was in a moving forward mood. While cleaning I got a silly idea in my head that seemed good for awhole 5 minutes. Some of your things still sit beside our computer desk covered. I know I'm not ready to let them go, but I thought maybe I could be strong enough to put them in storage. I tried running it by your daddy, but I knew the answer before I got the question out because I got choked up trying to ask his opinion and the tears started flowing. I just couldn't do it. We decided to leave them where they are. Neither of us are ready.
I keep wondering who you would have looked more like. I can still see your big sister in you. I think you would have looked just like her as a baby. She misses you too you know. She drew you a picture. A pink cat and butterfly. She wanted a baby sister so bad and couldn't wait to meet you. Your big brother, he just doesn't really understand. He just says that you left mommy's tummy and flew away and I guess you did my sweet angel. It's going to be really hard on us this month and on baby. We're going to need all of the angel kisses and lucky pennies that you can send.

Thinking of you,


  1. just yesterday i was holding my cat and listen to her purr, when suddenly it occurred to me that i'd so rather be holding my son. it is so hard knowing that if things had gone right, our babies would be born soon - or even be here already.

    sending you a hug.

  2. That is a beautiful letter to Laken. I wish things were so different for you, that you were either being kept up all night or that you were anxiously waiting for her to be born, wondering each day if today would be the day.

    The picture Paige drew is so nice. I hope that she gets to have another little sister someday that she gets to keep.

  3. Know that I am thinking about you. Grief is so hard and unpredictable. That was such a sweet letter to your little girl. She is looking down on you and knows how much you love her. Sending you hugs!