Broken

The saying when it rains it pours is something that I have been able to relate to most of my life. I have been flooded with depression, aggravation, and sadness for as long as I can remember. Its a never ending maze in my life, that seems to have no end in sight. Every door that I open is me hanging off of a cliff.

At this point in my life, I should only have the sadness of losing my little girl in my heart and even that shouldn't be there, but instead its full of other things. I see how most of the other BLMs that I know and blogs that I follow have the support and love of their own mothers. How most are even their best friends. I couldn't even begin to know what the must feel like. To know how much your mother loves you. For as long as I can remember, my mother has done nothing, but cause me heartache and made me into a person who doesn't know how to open up and get close to other people. Trust is a very hard thing for me to come by, but to her, my tears are fake.

I belong to a BLM club, but I also belong to the child of a drug addict club. My whole life has been built around this and has damaged me to no end. I can think of hundreds of different ways that she has managed to break my heart and cause me stress since I was young. I don't know why that I continue to let this woman hurt me, but I have been so dead set on keeping her from my children that I have become the shield for her to throw stones at.

I don't like people knowing this part of my life. It is very embarrassing. I don't like letting people have a glimpse inside this world that I keep hidden, but sometimes its more than I can handle. Sometimes keeping it bottled up causes it to spill over.

My family has been destroyed by her addiction that she loves more than anything in this world. Everybody in my family is so distant now. My big brothers are off living their own lives. They learned to let go along time ago while its me who is still behind fighting a losing battle.

It is like knowing a person with different personalities. The one who is mean, lies, says and does everything to hurt you. If you wrong her she will make sure that you pay for it some how, some way. The other who is fake with fake love. A person who tries to buy your love only to hurt you again.

It makes me sad to think that this is my mother. This is the woman who was chosen to be my mother. Why have a child that you hate so much, that you put them through hell? I have always felt more like the mother and her the child. I'm 29 now and I no longer need a mom, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I guess not having her all of these years and needing her this year is what hurts the most.

What Addicts Do

I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you. My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you. My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action. And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again. Stop being surprised. I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

Author Unknown